roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
