I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
