Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
