All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
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Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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