i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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