Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Randomize