Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
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Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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