I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
