I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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