Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Randomize
