Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
