Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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