Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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