I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
