I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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