I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
