In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
