Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
