im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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