if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
