oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
