I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
