____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
