Got a toothbrush?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Randomize
