goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I wish there were birth control emojis
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
