what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
