I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
