I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
