I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
