If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.