i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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