Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
