You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
