you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
