Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
