DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
