I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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