im about as happy as oj after his trial
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.