do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.