My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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