God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
