"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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