You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
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There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
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I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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