apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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