is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
