His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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