For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
