Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
