I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Sext me about skeletons
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
