Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
