Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
