it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
