I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
