Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
