I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize