i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
