my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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