It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
