When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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