I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
