3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
where are my eyebrows?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize