I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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