i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
